Last friday night, I got on a train from London to another city & the weekend disappeared. Time swiftly moved past me. I barely have memories from the weekend. It's Monday now, I'm on a train from Central London back home, all that's on my mind is time.
Do I have time enough to juggle everything on my to-do-list? School work, job applications, volunteering, starting a radio show, keeping a detailed diary, making sure all my relationships are in a good place?
I pick up my phone & I call someone at home. I get told that one of the Reverend's whom I think is a shining star has lost his wife to cancer. I think about his children, they are younger than I am. I think about him, I'm sure he's trying not to break down as he has to be a pillar for everyone else to lean on. I think about what time means to him. Time right now must be so slow. Losing a loved one, grieving for days, weeks, months, years. Wondering when you'd see them again or just accepting that they, like time are gone with the wind.
My mind travels back to earlier in the week, sitting in a 2 hour lecture. I pick up my phone and send out a tweet, "The most ruthless lecture, 9-11, no break, no class exercise, just lecturer talking", In the span of that minute, I see a news pop-up, there has just been a plane crash. People who had no clue they were saying their last good-byes have just bid the earth farewell. I try to distract myself because I can't control my wandering thoughts. I keep imagining how much anguish the victims must have experienced. I tell myself again and again to be prepared for whatever life throws at me. In the wake of me garnering my strength, I hear that someone whom I know is a few years younger than my Father and has kids younger than I am has just passed away from a heart attack.
I relapse & then, I call my mum. She confirms the news. We have a talk about life's transience. I walk back to my sit in the library, time does not stop. I expect that the earth will stand still, but it doesn't. We've just lost so many people who had people who were so dependent on them. Is everyone really replaceable? I ponder on.. and then I finally accept that the the earth will never stop rotating, even in the gloomiest of days. I shock myself even more because in a few hours, I continue to live like nothing's changed. Everyone around me is doing the same.
I look at my wrist watch, time is moving at it's normal pace. I still don't have enough time to completely tick-off my to-do list. I'm still burdened with easing into a fast-paced life & more than ever before I'm lost & confused. I just can't grasp the second & minute hands moving around the clock face or even the flow of sand in an hour glass.
