BATTLE OF THE MIND

Unguarded soliloquy, my different voices get louder.
Possibly why leading the life of a party is a timeless trend,
Faced with demons, a lust for life,
Realising that a mistake made twice is a habit,
Trying to break free!
Never ending battle of the mind.

Solitude is hearty,
Loneliness however, very frail.
A wandering mind never dwells well lonely,
An idle workshop,
Continuously fracturing principles,
Breaching trust,
Constantly battling the negativity that is actually reality.

Selfish in the quest for happiness,
A very absurd reality,
No true definition of self, existing with misplaced values.
Where's the loyalty? Is it traded for something else?
The conscience is a gift,
Only because of it will selfish I, realise that the mind is a battlefield,
And the ultimate prize is freedom from the flesh.

#100HAPPYDAYS

I'm listening to Pharell's Happy whilst I write this. Emeli Sandé and Rudimental's Free has also been instrumental in fixing my mood recently (The Power of Music!)

Waking up to bad news everyday takes a toll on our moods.
If you're Nigerian, the Boko Haram attacks people in Northern Nigeria are plagued with surely must have gotten you thinking about how callous humanity is.
The missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370 has made me truly question my existence. I have finally accepted that many things in the world are truly beyond my comprehension.

I've been thinking about so many war torn countries lately. I know there are so many girls in the Central African Republic who would give all they have to be provided with opportunities I take for granted.
Reading war stories, listening to war survivors recount their experiences and becoming increasingly aware of all the injustice in the world has become a vision-aid for my myopic view.

My Mother always told me she lived in awe because she just couldn't believe how blessed she was to have stability in her life. I always watched her closely whilst she shared her testimonies with me and thought, "Oo! How dramatic"
I'm an adult now, I turn 21 in a few weeks and I am probably more dramatic than my Mum is when I share my testimonies.
Interacting with people on a daily basis and trying to embrace the world and be open-minded has completely changed my perspective on everything.
I've gone from being completely pragmatic to being the person who understands that whilst I need to work really hard, I have to begin all my endeavours with GOD. 
The results so far have been amazing. Right now, I cannot imagine where I'd draw inspiration from or who I'd seek solace in if I did not answer to a higher being.

On a very personal level,
My confidence had been dwindling. It was getting increasingly harder to stand out.
I'd never really been scared of failure because I'd grown to believe that everything always worked out in the end. This time though, failure looked closer than ever and I actually started to wonder what it would feel like to fall from grace.
I decided to restructure. I looked at the world and realised that I was like a single cell in an entire body. I really had no superpowers and I needed guidance.

Once I sought guidance, my life started to fall in place.
It's very likely that songs of gratitude will never cease from my lips.
I haven't been more excited about life. I know there'll be trials but I'm not frightened.

I found the #100HAPPYDAYS trend on social media and It got me really excited. Everything in my life isn't perfect but I'm genuinely happy to be looking forward to great things hence, I'm challenging myself to find reasons to be happy and show gratitude and share these reasons for 100 days. JOIN ME!

Love always,

Onyi.

WHAT IS A GOOD LIFE?

Seeing a lot of monetarily rich people, I tend to gasp sometimes and say "Ooh! They have it so good"

How do I come to this conclusion? They probably are driving the fastest car, draped in luxury clothing, live in the biggest house, own/ work for a very profitable enterprise.

I'm not a mind reader so I don't know what their feelings are. Are they content? Do they feel completely at ease and happy? 

The holiday completely changed my perception of money. Money is a tool. If I was stripped bare and unable to continue life as it is now, just like the millions of people that have a minimum amount of it, I'd survive. In conversations with my dad, he always pointed out that avenues would arise to make certain choices that could lead to material accumulation but more times there would be a trade off between Greed and Integrity. Following earnestly, Nigerian news, this resonated with me. Remember the AMCON list of debtors? It was shocking and humorous because of the calibre of people on the list, the billions involved and how they had defaulted on these loans. I remember vividly that it put a sense of contentment in my heart because I realised that my care-takers had tailored life such that we only had what we could afford. I heard a man once say, "I learnt the beauty of dying debt-free when my father died. It created peace, harmony & averted unnecessary worry"

We live in a world where money is worshipped. We however, have to strive for integrity. 

As a child, I always watched the Hallmark movie channel. One movie I remember vividly is Nelson Mandela's biopic. It's unforgettable to me because, as a child, I didn't really understand freedom from colonialism or apartheid but watching this movie always brought me to tears. I saw greatness. Since the day 5-year old me first watched the biopic, Madiba's life has been an inspiration to me. When he passed on, I reflected on his legacy. Integrity stood out. He achieved the pinnacle of his aspiration on merit and he lived a very simple life, void of the trappings of most of the things we believe are necessary for a good life. He spent his latter days mostly in the company of his grand children. I believe that for all he sacrificed in his earlier life, he was blessed with all that he needed in his latter life. The earth doffed it's hat to this great man. We can all in unison say, "He lived a good life" 

There are two ways to get enough. You could choose to accumulate more & more or choose to desire less and less, said a man who was put in a Soviet prison. Being in solitary confinement, you realise that you can live without so many things. We can argue that life is becoming more complex and we are becoming more exposed, hence, we need more things to be happy. It is however,  a blatant lie. That theory is self-created. A vicious cycle used to exist in my life. I'd want something, come up with all the different reasons why it would perfectly balance out my life and buy it. A few months later, something new would catch my eye, it would remain on my mind and even make me a little unhappy until I own it.  If the former was such a perfect balance, why then did the latter catch my eye? This is the generation we live in, variations which we are made to believe are better will always be created hence, applying restraint is something we should learn to practice. Since I shed the wish list/ always wanting habit, trivialities have a minimal effect on my life.

It takes far less than we think to be happy. By craving certain things in excess, we make those things lord over our lives. Money on its own, I don't believe is evil. It is only a measure of material value. The things we however, place value on determines money's purpose in our lives. A healthy balance has to be struck. We have to appreciate the comfort we can create with money but avoid conforming to the lusts of consumerism baring in mind that having too much would lead to the loss of emotions such as excitement. Life would be extremely bland for me if I was not looking forward to graduation or  getting on my own merit a decent source of income. 

From my family's structure, I've learnt to never allow my pursuit of materials take me completely away from family. The sense of belonging, happiness and laughter the holiday brought, made this more evident to me. A good life to me, is free from the strong-hold of materials or expectations which should be trivialities and immersed in a world of love of family and the earth, hard-work to achieve merit, positive aspirations, faith and sacrifice. In retrospect, realising you did all you could with a good heart and with the right drive is a blessing and something we all should aspire to. 

"At the end of the day, Lord, I pray; I have a life that's good"  

TIME TO REFUEL!

I've spent the last 2 weeks of the year holidaying. Waking at mid-day, eating lots of food, drinking merrily and visiting family. For the first time in these 2 weeks, my body was propelled to rise at 5am (thanks to the dragonfly like insect that found its way into my room!). I realised it's the 31st of December, last day of the year! It's the time of the year that calls for somber reflection and re-fueling my drive.

All through December, I've tried to reflect on the year. I started to feel like I hadn't set any clear goals at the start of the year. I then looked at my diary and I realised that 2013 was a year of immense growth for me. Towards the end of 2012, I felt I needed a platform to express myself, I started Life Atelier at the start of the year. I set an academic goal and I feel indebted to God for helping me achieve that. I feel undeserving most times but I'm forever thankful for my many blessings. My relationship with family has blossomed. I'm a lot more outspoken, helpful and understanding. I've tried to free my self from the shackles of relationships that undermine me and I'm glad I finally got the courage to let some people go. 

I made a new friend this year. He brought with him two habits he made me imbibe, happiness and contentment. He never fails to point out all my blessings when I start to feel weary and he's helped to teach me the value of so many things my myopic view once thought to be little. I'm very thankful for my friend and I wish him euphoria, always. 

Over the summer, I took a few pictures and did some write-ups. I wanted to make sure I'd be able to re-live my summer through the blog but halfway through, I stopped. I really need to work on my continuity skills. I need to learn to push myself and create work myself and others can appreciate. This is one of my plans for the new year. People often say that new year resolutions are cliché and you shouldn't wait till the new year to change your lifestyle. Whilst I agree with the latter, I don't agree with the former. I believe resolutions help give structure to your year. You set some goals and you don't rest until you are able to tick them off your 'to-achieve' list. I think it's a great success recipe. I'm making a vision board and I hope it serves as the motivation I want it to be. 

I am learning to allow spontaneity and structure co-exist in my life. Structure to achieve my set goals and spontaneity to fuel my young heart (LOL!). I'm excited for the New year. My religion teaches me to be hopeful and have faith, I am currently bustling with these. I am also praying that with the new year comes, sound health and long life for our families. 

I wish you a very prosperous new year.

Love,

Onyi. 

TIME

Last friday night, I got on a train from London to another city & the weekend disappeared. Time swiftly moved past me. I barely have memories from the weekend. It's Monday now, I'm on a train from Central London back home, all that's on my mind is time.
Do I have time enough to juggle everything on my to-do-list? School work, job applications, volunteering, starting a radio show, keeping a detailed diary, making sure all my relationships are in a good place?

I pick up my phone & I call someone at home. I get told that one of the Reverend's whom I think is a shining star has lost his wife to cancer. I think about his children, they are younger than I am. I think about him, I'm sure he's trying not to break down as he has to be a pillar for everyone else to lean on. I think about what time means to him. Time right now must be so slow. Losing a loved one, grieving for days, weeks, months, years. Wondering when you'd see them again or just accepting that they, like time are gone with the wind.

My mind travels back to earlier in the week, sitting in a 2 hour lecture. I pick up my phone and send out a tweet, "The most ruthless lecture, 9-11, no break, no class exercise, just lecturer talking", In the span of that minute, I see a news pop-up, there has just been a plane crash. People who had no clue they were saying their last good-byes have just bid the earth farewell. I try to distract myself because I can't control my wandering thoughts. I keep imagining how much anguish the victims must have experienced. I tell myself again and again to be prepared for whatever life throws at me. In the wake of me garnering my strength, I hear that someone whom I know is a few years younger than my Father and has kids younger than I am has just passed away from a heart attack.

I relapse & then, I call my mum. She confirms the news. We have a talk about life's transience. I walk back to my sit in the library, time does not stop. I expect that the earth will stand still, but it doesn't. We've just lost so many people who had people who were so dependent on them. Is everyone really replaceable? I ponder on.. and then I finally accept that the the earth will never stop rotating, even in the gloomiest of days. I shock myself even more because in a few hours, I continue to live like nothing's changed. Everyone around me is doing the same.

I look at my wrist watch, time is moving at it's normal pace. I still don't have enough time to completely tick-off my to-do list. I'm still burdened with easing into a fast-paced life & more than ever before I'm lost & confused. I just can't grasp the second & minute hands moving around the clock face or even the flow of sand in an hour glass.

NEED FOR SPEED

I've recently moved from Central London to a less busy area. I however still go to school in Central. Whilst in full trot mode to make it on time to my activities of the day, these words were jumbling in my head;

Motion,

Swift movements in my youth.

Rush,

My love for the rush from Adrenaline.

Void of fear,

The closer I am to death, the more I feel alive.

Cynical view on life, 

Belief that I run this race alone. 

For what would life be in retrospect if speed is not a part of my youth? 

I don't want to crave the wild oats in my senility,

Live, love,

Create memories.

Relish in the strength and swiftness of youth. 

Lots of love,

Onyi. 

SOUL THERAPY: A NIGHT WITH NNEKA

Nneka Egbuna, Daalu!

I am still speechless from watching Nneka and her band play last weekend. The message, the depth, the therapy I so desperately needed to bring me back to earth & keep in touch with my humanity.

I'd had a Samson-esque day (Laughs) at the hair salon. Planned to soften & style my hair so I could look cute for the concert but when texturiser was applied to my hair, it fell out from the roots. I got really upset and emotional, I loved my mane! Anyway, I decided to shave three-quater of my hair and keep it moving. Extremely glad my day ended well.

Nneka's sound art isn't mainstream. It's an infusion of so many different genres; Reggae, Hip-hop, Neo-soul, R&B but the most essential part of her art, the part that has had me smitten is the thought-provoking message she conveys. I start to question my-self & my surrounding. I stop pointing fingers because I realise that I too am guilty, I too have been designed to play an essential role in my immediate surrounding. She is very true to her roots. During her performance she pauses and says in Nigeria's pidgin English, "You fit kill the messenger but you no fit kill the message"

Who are we?
Have we embraced civilisation to the extent that we are imprisoned?
How much do we seek freedom? When will we be free?
Are we suffering in silence?
Are our weaknesses our strengths?
Do we know God in solitude? Do we act him in public?
How dare I judge, when I too dwell in sin?

With Nigeria's diversity and capacity, why are we still suffering?
Is recorded history really the truth?
Are we plagued with civilised armed robbers as leaders?
Have our tradition, our love for our fellow country men, properties and resources been evaded & erased?
How long will it take for us to Love Nigeria?

Questions, still unanswered.

Nneka performing Do You Love Me Now

If you haven't ever listened to Nneka's work, I'd recommend her Soul is Heavy Album as a first listen. I decided to start sharing politically inclined work I'd written after listening to this piece of pure genius. Her gift is exceptional and I am extremely glad that I watched her play and saw firsthand how passionate she is about her work. Enjoy!

Love,

Onyi.